


i don't wanna live without your love

by brokenlikeastitch



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Happy ending though, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, auston has Realizations, copious santa clarita diet references, the apple commercial that killed me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 10:40:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18467278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenlikeastitch/pseuds/brokenlikeastitch
Summary: guess i had to lose youto realize how much i love you.





	i don't wanna live without your love

**Author's Note:**

> title from the chicago song of the same name. this is self care after that awful game last night and the awful pens game this morning. hockey is killing my soul. all mistakes are my own of course. also *** indicates point of view change

When Mitch met Auston he immediately knew he was doomed. He was kind of quiet until you got to know him and learned his dry sense of humor. Mitch learned that Auston was really passionate about random things like Harry Potter houses and shitty Buzzfeed quizzes and Gatorade flavors.

He also learned how thoughtful Auston was and how he showed affection through small gestures. Little things like remembering how Mitch liked his coffee and always having a travel mug ready for Mitch when he picked him up in the mornings to drive to practice. Little things like doing Mitch’s laundry when he had mono because Mitch wanted to feel clean but couldn’t find the energy to do it himself.

Basically, Auston was 100% boyfriend material and Mitch loved him so much it hurt. He loved him through playoff losses and through injuries. He loved Auston through his quiet moments when he couldn’t bring himself to voice his struggles and through the loud times when hockey frustrated him and he just needed to yell about it a little bit.

Mitch managed to make it two full seasons of repressing his feelings, and the summer after their second season, still smarting from the game seven loss to Boston, Dylan got it out of him. He, better than anyone, could tell when Mitch wasn’t okay, and he spoted it instantly. Mitch explained that he and Auston sort of had a moment the night after the game, laying in bed together and watching Santa Clarita Diet on Netflix, trying to pretend that they weren’t crying. The next morning, Auston was gone.

Dylan, the best friend to a fault, threatened to kick his ass when he goes down to Arizona for training. Mitch was tempted, but told him not to worry about it. Of course, Dylan was concerned, but threw all of his extra energy into cheering Mitch up, and by the end of the summer before camp, Mitch was pretty much back to normal.

But seeing Auston again, it stung. Mitch didn’t want to call it a relapse because Auston wasn’t a drug, but maybe that soft feeling he got around Auston was. He felt like he could fly with Auston’s attention fully focused on him and it was addicting. Auston never brought up that night, never acted any differently around Mitch, and it hurt more than Mitch ever thought it could.

Auston was never an overly touchy person, he kept his hands to himself for the most part, but with Mitch he was more generous with his affection. Mitch usually lapped it up, treated it like a prize. Auston could go for anyone, but he continuously chose Mitch. Except of course when Auston dated, he toned it back then. That shit hurt, having to share Auston’s full attention and affection, but it never seemed to last and Auston always came back. Mitch never even considered dating someone else.

It built and built, through another injury where Mitch cared for him. Through the fall after a scoring streak. Through the feeling of disappointing expectant fans after a fantastic second season and the acquisition of John Tavares. Through contract negotiations, and through yet another breakup.

The dam broke after two days of shooting a commercial for Apple. They spent two full days together, hanging out, and honestly it felt like a date. Sometimes Auston would look at him and Mitch would think, finally, this is it. It never was. Maybe, Mitch thought as he brought Auston home from dinner celebrating the end of shooting the commercial, maybe he’s waiting on me to make a move.

It overflowed as they pulled to a stop outside of Auston’s apartment and Mitch grabbed his sleeve before he could get out of the car, “Hey Aus?”

“What’s up, bud?”

“I was wondering if you’d like to do this again sometime?”

“Get dinner? Sure.”

“As a date,” Mitch added and the silence following was deafening.

Auston didn’t really look surprised which meant Mitch wasn’t exactly as slick as he’d hoped. He slowly pulled his sleeve out of Mitch’s grip, “Mitchy, I’m so sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, I just don’t think of you that way.”

Mitch pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned and smiled at Auston, eyes watery, “For sure, dude, sorry about the misunderstanding.”

Auston got out without saying anything else and offered a weak smile. Mitch tried to return it, but he could tell it was more of a grimace.

Before he walked into his apartment building, Auston turned back around, “I’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

“Yeah, dude, tomorrow.”

“Cool, see you then.”

Mitch just nodded and drove away quickly. He didn’t let himself cry until he made it back to the safety of his own apartment. That night, he let himself fall apart for a little bit. Mitch cried himself dry and tried not to think about how bad seeing soft, morning Auston was going to hurt.

It did hurt, it hurt a lot.

***

Auston didn’t notice it at first, but when he did, he couldn’t unsee it. Mitch was 100% avoiding him. Or, not fully avoiding him, Mitch still picked him up in the morning and they still got lunch more often than not after practice, but when he used to come up to Auston’s apartment when dropping him off, he would beg off, claiming to have plans.

He wasn’t dumb, it obviously had to do with Mitch’s confession. Auston knew it was coming, and sure he had something for Mitch too, but he just didn’t think it was worth a shot. So much could get fucked up if it failed, and Auston would rather not fuck up one of the best things in his life.

Auston assumed Mitch would come around in a week or two, but no. Instead, he seemed to shift his attention to Zach. Zach, he knew, was dating someone and there was no reason for the ugly feeling in his chest, but Auston couldn’t help it. Mitch seemed okay. And it’s not like Auston wanted Mitch to be sad forever, he just maybe thought it would take Mitch longer to get over him.

That of course was one of the most selfish thoughts he’d ever had, and Auston immediately shoved it down. Unfortunately, one of the side results of that new avoidance was the abundance of free time Auston suddenly had. He didn’t realize how much space Mitch had taken up of his life until he was gone, and it sucked.

One afternoon, before getting out of the car, Auston asked Mitch to come up with him and Mitch smiled softly, “I think it’s best for me if I just go home.”

“Mitch, I really didn’t mean for this to happen.”

“It’s okay, Aus,” he tried to come across reassuring but didn’t quite succeed, “I mean, I’ll be okay, just give me some time.”

“I have been,” Auston wanted to say, “I need you,” he also held back, but they were both there on the tip of his tongue. Instead he bit back all words and nodded before unbuckling and climbing out and instead he went up to his apartment and laid on the couch and started season three of Santa Clarita Diet even though he and Mitch had been saving it to watch together.

It was probably for the best that they didn’t because the similarities between him and Abby were a little too close for comfort, and Mitch was definitely the real embodiment of Eric. It was almost too much, but Auston watched anyway because what else was he supposed to do with Mitch suddenly gone.

Two and a half weeks post-confession, Zach showed up at his apartment unexpectedly, catching him off guard.

“What’s up, Matts?”

“Nothing much, did we have plans?”

“Nah, let me in though, we need to talk.”

Auston felt nothing but dread, but he let Zach in anyway. He followed Zach to the living room and sat on the opposite side of the couch, not looking at him.

“Listen, Marns is pretty torn up about this, bro.”

“I don’t really understand what you want me to do about it.”

Zach sighed, “I want you to tell me exactly what thoughts you had that night.”

Auston frowned, but it wasn’t hard to remember because that night was etched firmly into his brain, “I thought that yeah I love Mitch, but he’s my best friend and it’s platonic. I can’t fuck up our friendship because of the team and because it would be devastating to lose him.”

“Wouldn’t you say you did kind of lose him?” Zach asked, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Yeah, and that’s the shitty part, I lost him anyway. I thought it would be okay, I mean that night after Boston when we were laying there together and he just leaned in a little bit and I made sure he could only kiss my cheek, I thought that we’d be fine because it was just like that, but it’s not okay is it?”

“No, bud, I’d say it’s not.”

Auston laughed and it was a little shaky and a little watery, “What do I even do about it? I miss him.”

“Give it time, he’s almost ready I think.”

“But you’re here, running interference of some sort.”

“No, I’m trying to understand so I can help you both.”

“Can we just watch Netflix or something, it’s not the same watching alone.”

Zach looked like he wanted to say something else, but he just nodded and settled back against the couch, waiting for Auston to hit play.

When Zach left, Auston felt a little hollow inside. Like confronting his feelings scooped his insides out and plopped them down on the table. He wanted to sleep for months and not have to face Mitch in the morning.

But he had to, and Mitch was there. Auston handed him his regular coffee and got a strained smile in response. Maybe it was wishful thinking, but Auston thought it looked less strained than the usual lately.

Mitch still didn’t come up after practice, and Auston thought he might. He only had two episodes of Santa Clarita Diet left and he kind of (really) wanted Mitch there. Instead, he sat down and watched the second to last one in silence, not even laughing at the funny parts.

The finale started and it almost immediately had his heart clenching at one of the scenes.

_“Life is short, you should go for it with Eric.”_  
_“I just don’t want to fuck things up.”_  
_“Love doesn’t always shout, sometimes it whispers.”_

“Fuck,” Auston muttered, rubbing his chest right over it his heart where it hurt. Determined to finally sort his shit out, Auston looked up ‘fluffy romantic playlists’ and pulled out a piece of paper to write pros and cons of dating Mitch. He’d seen it in a movie once, so maybe it could help him figure things out.

The music and list didn’t help as much as he hoped, and instead of rereading his list, left it on the kitchen counter. He didn’t mind the music though, some of the songs were soothing to listen to, so he left it playing.

When Auston pathetically opened his phone to check for messages from Mitch, he saw an email from his agent with a link to the commercial Apple had pieced together to air. His agent wanted him to watch it and make sure he liked it beforehand, and he settled down before hitting play.

It was…shockingly domestic, and for some reason startled him out of the confusion he’d been facing since his conversation with Zach. It was 9 at night, but he needed to see Mitch immediately before losing courage, before he could talk himself down because surely Mitch had moved on.

The drive to Mitch’s was in a haze and seemed faster than usual. Seemingly in a blink, he was in front of Mitch’s door and knocking. Mitch answered, looking slightly confused to see him there.

“I want to try.”

“Try?” Mitch asked, looking confused and slightly defensive.

“I was scared before, but I want to try dating you.”

Mitch’s mouth was hanging open and Auston wanted to make a joke about catching flies, but he felt it was probably the wrong time.

After an agonizing minute, Mitch closed his mouth and seemed to gather his thoughts, “No.”

Auston wanted to actually run, but he was frozen in place. Before he could say anything, Mitch cracked a small smile, “Sucks doesn’t it. I was kidding though, of course I still want to date you.”

He grabbed Auston’s wrist and pulled him into his apartment, through the living room and to his bedroom where Mitch had Netflix paused, the second episode of Santa Clarita Diet. Mitch made Auston lay down and curled into his side.

“Sorry I started it, I know we said we’d wait to watch it together, but I kept seeing spoilers and I didn’t know if we’d ever actually get around to watching it.”

Auston pressed a kiss to the top of his head, “That’s okay, we can watch the rest.”

Mitch beamed up at him and squeezed his arms a little tighter around Auston’s middle, “In case the message was a little unclear with the whole ‘no’ thing, I just want to make sure you know that I love you.”

Auston’s throat immediately went dry and he coughed a few times, “I love you too.”

Mitch’s responding smile was something Auston would do anything to see every day for the rest of his life, and he pulled Mitch impossibly closer before stealing the remote and hitting play.

**Author's Note:**

> auston i also looked up fluffy romantic playlist on spotify while writing so you are not alone :)


End file.
